After tasting own ass

There is a force rumbling within the NBA.  A being so powerful in its presence, its shadow spans two conferences.  This awe-inspiring force of nature is THE  Shaquille O’neal.  There was a time when the Big Underachiever’s physicality brought championships and finals appearances, or at the very least winning.  This is no longer the case as recent movements over the past couple of years have unveiled a startling pattern of chaos and destruction, not unlike a plague of mediocre rapping locust genies.  The Phoenix suns can attest to the sheer horroritude of having O’neal on their team.

Anonymous Suns Source

“When he came to us, we had the best record in one of the strongest western conferences in history.  By the time he left we were a marginal playoff team at best.” said an anonymous Suns source named Steve Nash.  “The whole Shaqsperience left a bad taste in my mouth.  Got any Vitamin Water?”  Now that O’neal has been traded, the Suns once again hold the best record in the western conference.  The case of the Cleveland Cavaliers shares many similarities.  Last year Cleveland finished the regular season with the best record, not just the eastern conference, but in the entire NBA.  Eight games into this new season, the Cavs have already matched their home court losses from a year ago and are on their way to losing home court advantage, if they make the playoffs at all.  The question is, will Cleveland be able to trade the Big Underachiever to an unsuspecting team looking to rehabilitate a veteran.  Too bad Pat Riley already had a go.

Back when he had money

The dwindling finances of former all-star and shimmy-shake aficianado Antoine Walker have found yet another disgruntled party with claims against them.  This time it is not the I.R.S. who is after Walker’s money, nor is it one of the many casinos he’s stiffed for millions.  No, this time it is the fans, or more precisely, the former fans of Walkers most recent stops that are demanding part of their ticket money back in proportion to Walkers salary and playing time for the years he was there.  Says one Miami Heat fan, “Bro listen.  We won a championship IN SPITE of Walker, not because of him.  Come on, two and a half years of brick after brick.  Bro!  I want my money back.” adding, “Hey dog, can you all caps the “in spite” part, for effect, you know what i’m saying.”  The complaints out of stops like Memphis are not any better.  “I tell you what.  At least that boy played in Miami. Couldn’t even get him to suite up most nights.”  Walker was recently bought out of the remainder of his contract by the Grizzlies, and has made an estimated $114 million dollars during his 13 year NBA career.

Things not heard in casinos

Walker, most known for his alien shaped head, tippy-toe 3pointers, and propensity for being tied up and robbed, had no comment as the authorities escorted him away in handcuffs from a, wait for it…casino.  His mother, on the other hand, had this to say while being questioned by shameless reporters outside of a soon to be repossessed mansion, “Look behind me.  I still have my house.  My boy still has his house.  We’re doing just fine.”  Not all of Walkers former stops have beef with him.  The Minnesota Timberwolves are understandably not a part of this growing class action debacle.  Says one die-hard Twin cities native, “Sure Walker blows, but we got rid of Mark Blount and Ricky Davis in the trade.  Maybe you didn’t hear me, I said Ricky Davis.”