So Not Pat Riley Pat Riley

Lord, all that diva needs is to believe, really believe, he can lead this underdog team.  That no matter what everybody says, they can contend.  Once we have that, once the team is feeding off of him and he’s feeding off of the team, anything is possible, we’ll have a shot, maybe a small one, but it’s there, and I can taste it.

Now we haven’t had that chemistry, I’ll admit that. I don’t know what I did wrong.  Okay, that’s bullshit.  I know exactly what I did wrong, but Lord, I’m Pat Riley, come on.

What do I need to do?  Do I need to get Caron Butler?  Is that what I need to do?  What about the summer?  The summer of everything? The summer I staked Dwyane Wade’s prime on?  I know deep down Caron can be that guy at small forward, that guy Dwyane can believe in and feed off of.  But Lord, to pull that off I either need one of two things.  A deal just for Caron and Haywood which isn’t going to happen.  Or Lord, here me out, a money deal.  I say do it big.  I hear myself saying it, “Do it big Pat.”.  You know how I feel about Jermaine What can you do? At the end of the day if he has to go, he has to go.  So if I send over Jermaine and maybe tack on a  Cook or Mario or maybe even Jim, though I’ll miss him, tough knock being named after that crazy massacre, if I do those things…I need Haywood.  I’ll take old man Mike James with his funky stuff to make the money work, but I need Brendan in the deal.  Maybe I send both Chalms Cook and Jones to get it done, point is, Haywood’s in the deal.  And deep down Lord I know I can somehow deal Caron while signing Lebron.  It’ll be hard, but you have my back, so it’s cool. You get me.  You Get what I’m saying. Look at these rings. How could you not get me.  All right.  I did my thing.  Now you do your thing, then I’ll do my thing again, and it’ll all be on.  15 Strong!

Prozac?

When retired porn star and current Orlando Magic head coach Stan van Gundy decided to put aside his dower task-master persona and open up to his players as a kinder gentler Gundy, he was anticipating more team unity and more wins.  What he wasn’t expecting was a slew of endorsement offers and an ongoing bidding war for use of his likeness by several major pharmaceutical companies.  “It really is surprising,” said van Gundy with a big goofy smile.

Waiting for his reward

“I just got off the phone with my agent.  Pfizer is willing to throw in a lifetime supply of viagra for the entire organization if I agree to sign with Zoloft over Prozac.” adding, “You all have seen my films, you know I don’t need it.  But Otis (Smith) is really pushing me to take the deal.”  Orlando super star center Dwight Howard fully supports the move.  “Coach has been great.  He’s nurturing, supportive, and has even taken to giving us handjobs after the game if we get a double double.  Come to think of it, that Viagra would come in handy.”

After tasting own ass

There is a force rumbling within the NBA.  A being so powerful in its presence, its shadow spans two conferences.  This awe-inspiring force of nature is THE  Shaquille O’neal.  There was a time when the Big Underachiever’s physicality brought championships and finals appearances, or at the very least winning.  This is no longer the case as recent movements over the past couple of years have unveiled a startling pattern of chaos and destruction, not unlike a plague of mediocre rapping locust genies.  The Phoenix suns can attest to the sheer horroritude of having O’neal on their team.

Anonymous Suns Source

“When he came to us, we had the best record in one of the strongest western conferences in history.  By the time he left we were a marginal playoff team at best.” said an anonymous Suns source named Steve Nash.  “The whole Shaqsperience left a bad taste in my mouth.  Got any Vitamin Water?”  Now that O’neal has been traded, the Suns once again hold the best record in the western conference.  The case of the Cleveland Cavaliers shares many similarities.  Last year Cleveland finished the regular season with the best record, not just the eastern conference, but in the entire NBA.  Eight games into this new season, the Cavs have already matched their home court losses from a year ago and are on their way to losing home court advantage, if they make the playoffs at all.  The question is, will Cleveland be able to trade the Big Underachiever to an unsuspecting team looking to rehabilitate a veteran.  Too bad Pat Riley already had a go.

Rapping before practice

*Update Below*

Miami native Pitbull is adjusting to the transition from rap impresario to point guard extraordinaire.  Pitbull, born Carlos Arroyo, spent his early youth balling around the parks of Pincrest dreaming of the day he would play in the NBA.  Somewhere along the way he found himself sidetracked by the rap game and the allure of unlimited putas.  But Pitbull never forgot his true hoop love and kept himself in peak condition as an amateur baller.

In Miami Heat Uniform

When word came around his home town Heat had a spot open on the roster for an Hispanic point guard, he figured he’d give it a shot.  “Next to being one of Michael Vick’s prize fighters, basketball has always been my numero uno athletic dream.”  Pitbull is not the first famous rapper to nurture hoop dreams.  Percy “Master P” Miller of “Make ‘Em Say Ughhh” fame also made an attempt at an NBA career, though his conditioning was often questionable.  “It’s a hard adjustment.” says Pitbull as he sips a fresh mojito from Bongos.  “Thank the Dios there’s a bunch of Holiday Inns around.”

*Pitbull’s contract picked up.

Dominican's Without Borders Press Conference

New Pistons free agent Charlie Villanueva has brought his giving ways with him to the Motor City.  At the start of every season the fifth year veteran shaves his eyebrows and auctions them off in an effort to raise money for his international charity, Dominicans Without Borders.  “Every year thousands of Dominicans struggle to earn a better life for themselves and there families in a place that is not the Dominican Republic.” said an impassioned Villanueva.  “My charity, it helps to create a support structure for these people as they try to find work and avoid INS, which can be a little tricky let me tell you.”  To date, Villanueav’s charity work has helped over 800 Dominican families relocate to places better than the Dominican Republic such as Miami, New York, and Los Anglese.

Recipients Showing Their Appreciation

When questioned about allegations the charity is a complex ruse to smuggle in sex workers from the islands, Villanueva responded,”From the janitors to the nail salon technicians, you see the effects of our work in the faces of the people we help.  If a few people decide to show their appreciation, nothing wrong with that.”  To date, Dominicans Without Borders has raised more than $240,000 through the exclusive sale of Villanueva’s various hair parts.

Back when he had money

The dwindling finances of former all-star and shimmy-shake aficianado Antoine Walker have found yet another disgruntled party with claims against them.  This time it is not the I.R.S. who is after Walker’s money, nor is it one of the many casinos he’s stiffed for millions.  No, this time it is the fans, or more precisely, the former fans of Walkers most recent stops that are demanding part of their ticket money back in proportion to Walkers salary and playing time for the years he was there.  Says one Miami Heat fan, “Bro listen.  We won a championship IN SPITE of Walker, not because of him.  Come on, two and a half years of brick after brick.  Bro!  I want my money back.” adding, “Hey dog, can you all caps the “in spite” part, for effect, you know what i’m saying.”  The complaints out of stops like Memphis are not any better.  “I tell you what.  At least that boy played in Miami. Couldn’t even get him to suite up most nights.”  Walker was recently bought out of the remainder of his contract by the Grizzlies, and has made an estimated $114 million dollars during his 13 year NBA career.

Things not heard in casinos

Walker, most known for his alien shaped head, tippy-toe 3pointers, and propensity for being tied up and robbed, had no comment as the authorities escorted him away in handcuffs from a, wait for it…casino.  His mother, on the other hand, had this to say while being questioned by shameless reporters outside of a soon to be repossessed mansion, “Look behind me.  I still have my house.  My boy still has his house.  We’re doing just fine.”  Not all of Walkers former stops have beef with him.  The Minnesota Timberwolves are understandably not a part of this growing class action debacle.  Says one die-hard Twin cities native, “Sure Walker blows, but we got rid of Mark Blount and Ricky Davis in the trade.  Maybe you didn’t hear me, I said Ricky Davis.”

Guys. Seriously!

Details are pouring in regarding the surprising end to the NBA Referee lockout.  One name coming up often in both confirmed and unconfirmed reports is that of soon to be New Jersey Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov.  Prokhorov is rumored to have played an instrumental role in bringing an end to the strife between the Referee’s Union and the NBA.  The month long lockout had plagued the leagues pre-season games, stirring up the ire of several coaches and organizations.  Though the revenue gained from fining the likes of Stan Van Gundy helped offset the projected downturn in revenue for the upcoming season, the many assets of Prokhorov, playboy billionaire, proved too much for all parties to ignore.  Monetary details of the two year deal were not disclosed, but inside sources have revealed that a special “incentive” program established by Prokhorov was the key negotiation piece to gaining the the Referee’s Unions support.

Current NBA Ref 'Tang

Potential Prokhorov 'Tang

Details of the incentive program, known as the “Prokhorov Adendum,” are known to include four weekend getaways as well as two weeks vacation a year at Prokhorov’s many fully stocked mansions, chateau’s, villa’s, or palaces.  Said one NBA Ref who requested anonymity, “The negotiations took place underground with 1000 naked women swimming in a lake of champagne.  It really was a no-brainer for  55 of the 57 of us.”  When asked about the two referees that had reservations, the official said a select amount of “man-candy” had been included in the deal.  The agreement comes not a moment too soon with the start of the 2009-2010 NBA season only a day away.

In front of Home Depot

Adam Morrison cannot believe he has the money to worry about buying real estate in this down market.  To quote the Lakers small forward, “Man, I can’t freak’n believe I have the money to worry about real estate. Do you know how damn bad this market is?”  The soon to be confirmed 2006 draft bust is suffering from circumstances foreign to many Americans in today’s downward economy.  He is facing a gut-wrenching dilemma regarding what he should do with his house in Charlotte N.C, while he continues to benchwarm in L.A.  Should he sell the Charlotte home?  Should he buy in L.A.? Should he sell in Charlotte and continue to rent in L.A.?  Should he sell in Charlotte and give up renting in L.A. to live out of his van?  Well, the last one Americans are getting familiar with.

Napping during Sweet Sixteen

Morrison, the 3rd overall pick in the 2006 draft, is still in awe of his situation.  “Everyday I wake, and right before I bake, I think to myself, shit, I’m an NBA player guaranteed to make Millions of dollars no matter what I do.  Hell, I still don’t know how I got picked three spots ahead of Brandon Roy.  Doesn’t the NBA have scouts?  Didn’t they notice how unathletic I am?”  Still, Morrison doesn’t feel bad about being paid excessive amounts of dollars for not playing basketball.  “I have a pretty serious job.  Someone’s gotta light the incense before Coach Phil starts his team meetings.”

Mistaken for Los Lonely Boys

When pressed, Morrison admitted he is leaning towards keeping the L.A. rental and the Charlotte home.  “L.A.’s a great place.  Even if I get traded I think I’ll still want to keep a pad here.  The girls are wild and they really dig me even though I get like no court time.”

Asked if he was worried about not getting a contract next year, Morrison shrugged off the concern.  “I’m not worried about that.  I’ve been cultivating the Mexican look for years.  Now that the NBA has their new Hispanic ENBEAY initiative, I figure I’ll pass myself off as Adam Gonzalez and get me some of that affirmative action.”

I don’t think I want to be team captain anymore.  I mean shit, all a captain does is talk to the refs and talk up the new bitches still wet behind the ears.  Well fuck, I can’t stand the refs.  Come to think of it, I can’t stand all the young guys either.  Shit, I’m Big Shot Jack not Captain Jack.  The only Captain Jack for me is this sweet fucking sound.  Yeah, Captain Jack.  He’ll get you high tonight.  Damn straight boy.  And that nigga’ll even take you to your special island.  Fuck yo, I gotta pump up the bass on this Billy Joel shit, that little wigger be thumpin’.  What is he pushin? Two, naw, four decibels?  Crazy yo, crazy.